In different languages and cultures, politeness – or speaking politely – can mean wildly different things.
Even in cultures that are similar to each other, it can be hard to navigate cultural norms about what is considered to be polite and courteous.
Tone, eye-contact, gestures or register can vary wildly from one situation to the next so that something that was considered the height of etiquette in your own home can be considered incredibly rude elsewhere.
For example, let’s take a look at a simple handshake.
No problem, right? Wrong!
While it is often considered a polite gesture in the West, it may appear rude or inappropriate in countries where a bow, or even a slight nod, would be more appropriate.
Conversely, while slurping your soup loudly in a crowded restaurant may be unthinkable in your own culture, it might be completely acceptable in other places where it is considered a compliment to the Chef and a testament to the quality of the dish.
Politeness often reflects cultural values and gestures in its tones and vocabulary choices.
In the English language, this is also true of everyday situations.
Politeness – especially in countries such as the UK and Canada – is an art form and can be very tricky to navigate, interpret and mirror if one is not familiar with its rules.
This is why knowing how to speak politely in everyday English is the key to boost one’s own fluency, make connections and master an aspect of language that is not only grammatical but also cultural.
Politeness at Work
If there is one place where we cannot – and should not – avoid being polite is our own place of work.
Whether we are speaking to our boss, sending an email, or responding to a question during a meeting, we always want to be on our best behaviour.
But how do we convey politeness when English doesn’t really have a formal register (the Italian Lei or the Spanish Usted or Vos or the French Vous)? Moreover, how can we still say what we mean if etiquette teaches us that we should not speak too directly?
Here are some tricks to help you navigate English in the workplace.
Key Polite Structures
In English workplaces, people usually avoid giving direct orders and using the imperative tense.
This helps us avoid sounding too commanding or clipped.
Instead, they often construct longer sentences to soften their tone and sound more polite.
For example, they might use:
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- Modal verbs: could, would (e.g., could you please send an email to HR? Would you mind taking notes?)
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- Questions instead of commands (e.g., do you think we could discuss this further?)
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- Softening words: just, a bit, possibly (e.g., I think your plan could possibly backfire)
Although it may seem like a long roundabout way of speaking, English seems to feel that the more words you use, the more polite your question sounds.
Let’s take some of these rules and analyze them in context.
Examples in Context
Let’s imagine this scenario: you are a web designer working freelance for a private client. You are still in the planning stage of their website, and you are waiting for them to send you some images that you will need in order to complete your work. The deadline is fast approaching and you need the client to hurry up.
You might feel like saying:
Send me the missing images today.
However, this doesn’t sound polite.
Although adding a simple please and thank you may already do wonders to improve this sentence, the use of the imperative send me makes your request sound too direct, bossy, and a little bit rude.
Let us see how you can fix it by using the rules mentioned above.
Modal verbs could and would:
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- Could you please send me the missing images today?
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- Would you send me the missing images today?
Using a question instead of commands:
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- Do you think you could send me the missing images today?
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- Would you mind sending me the missing images today?
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- Any chance I could have the missing images today?
Softening words:
Using as soon as you can instead of today could work very well in this instance because it conveys urgency, but does not give a command.
…and of course adding please and thank you is always a great way to show politeness.
Here are some common English phrases to use during your work day.
| Common polite work phrases | ||
| Phrase | What it (really) means | When to use it |
| I was just wondering if… | A very polite way to ask for something | email, meetings, requests |
| Would you mind… | Polite request (very common) | asking colleagues for help |
| When you have a moment.. | No urgency, very polite | non-urgent tasks |
| If that’s OK with you. | Checking the other person’s comfort | decisions, suggestions |
| I’m afraid that… | Softens bad news or problems | giving negative information |
| Could you possibly… | Extra polite request | formal or sensitive requests |
| Just to let you know… | Gentle information sharing | updates, reminders |
| Perhaps we could… | Polite suggestion | meetings, teamwork |
| I’ll get back to you | I’ll reply later | emails, follow-ups |
| British vs American English British English prefers more indirect language American English is usually more direct but still polite. For example: Can you send me the report today? instead of Could you…? |
Politeness with Friends
Of course being polite at work is important, but it is equally important if you are trying to make – and keep! – new friends.
Although you may be more relaxed around your friends and adopt a less formal register, you still want to sound pleasant and polite. This means avoiding sounding like you are giving orders and being mindful of other persons’ feelings and opinions.
…and of course, minding your “pleases” and “thank you’s”!
Some of the rules we’ve set previously would still work in this case.
Let’s see how::
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- Modal verbs: can, could, would (e.g., can I please use your phone?in this case can sounds less formal than could)
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- Questions instead of commands (e.g., do you mind if I borrow your phone?)
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- Softening words: maybe, perhaps, a little
This will make you sound more natural and, of course, much more polite!
Of course, it might be the case that you want to be deliberately direct with your friend, but this may be something you reserve for close friends.
While making new friends, however, we would suggest keeping a polite register, especially when making suggestions or disagreeing.
Let’s take a look at how!
Making Suggestions & Disagreeing Politely
Let’s imagine we just made some new English-speaking friends. It is Friday night and you are trying to decide what to do.
You want to avoid sounding bossy, but you also want to be proactive and make suggestions. Here are some examples using the three strategies we’ve mentioned above:
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- Do you fancy going out dancing?
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- Maybe we could watch a film tonight.
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- Can you call the restaurant and make a reservation, please?
In the first instance, do you fancy going out dancing?, we can see how we turned a direct suggestion (e.g., let’s go dancing!) into a question. Doing this gives space to the other person by waiting for their input and making them feel – however implicitly – like you value their opinion.
Nice, right?
Now, let’s look at the second sentence: maybe we could watch a film tonight. It is a suggestion and, even if you are not using a question, the use of maybe and the modal verb could give the listener space to agree – or disagree – with your proposal without going against it directly.
This makes the proposal more of a suggestion than an order.
Now, what happens if you don’t want to disagree?
Instead of saying you’re wrong or even simply “no”, which may sound too direct, try:
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- I’m not sure about that.
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- Maybe, but I prefer something else.
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- I see your point, but I don’t think so.
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- Thank you, but I would rather not.
In English, being too direct may come across as rude and abrupt. Consequently, English speakers usually prefer taking the long way around to express disagreement.
This is true of any situation whether at work, with friends or even with strangers; being indirect sounds much more polite because it is not perceived as a direct refusal.
Politeness with Strangers
When talking to strangers, we often have a tendency to sound extra polite, especially if we want to make a good impression or ask for something – such as help or information.
In English, it is very common to preface a sentence or a request with sorry or excuse me.
Let’s take a look at some examples:
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- Excuse me, could you help me?
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- I beg your pardon, could you tell me where the station is, please?
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- I’m sorry to bother you, but can I ask a question?
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- Excuse me, could we get the bill? Thank you.
Based on the techniques we’ve observed above, we can see how the speaker:
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- is leading with a question.
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- is using polite openers (excuse me, sorry, I’m sorry to bother you).
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- is using modal verbs to make their sentence less direct (e.g., could you tell me…).
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- is adding please at the end of their sentence.
Summary
As we’ve seen, sounding polite in English is extremely important. Even if it requires a bit extra effort, it is a key element to bring your fluency to the next level.
In short, let’s always remember to:
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- Use questions, not commands;
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- Use modal verbs (can, could, would);
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- Add please and thank you
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- Be slightly indirect (do you mind…?, would you mind…?, could I ask..?)
Politeness will help you sound more confident, professional, and natural in English.
